Stoned.Nerd

1. Different professions make different money, and sometimes the difference can be ridiculous.
2. Find something you love to do. This, of course as we know, is very hard. Otherwise, remember that your work is just a job. It does not define you; it is not your life. It is a means to an end, i.e., paying your bills and buying the things you need.
3. Banks aren't really your friends and don't give two craps about you. Spend less than you make. Debts suck the life out of you.
4. Learn who your friends are, and learn not to be jealous of their success.
5. Be completely honest with yourself and others, even if it means taking a risk. Truth hurts.
6. Learn how to write clearly, speak intelligently, think critically, and get along with people who are not like you. You will not meet any competent people at high levels of any enterprise who do not possess these.
7. Don't be afraid to look stupid. I've met plenty of people I didn't like, but I have yet to meet anyone who didn't have something they could teach me. Even regarding sex.
8. Don't go to graduate school if the only reason you'd go is that you don't know what else to do. Graduate education has many inherent risks and drawbacks, and it should only be taken on if you have a good idea of what those risks mean for you.
9. No one really gives a flying fuck about what grades you got or what awards you've won.
10. And nobody owes you anything.
11. Just because you have a degree doesn't mean you know everything.
12. Be in equivalent relationships. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
13. Things will go wrong at work and at home. Very few things will turn out exactly as you'd planned.
14. Lastly, but not least, watch your back and keep your nose clean.

anybody has got anything else to add?

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"


It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
" Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"Thats not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah

[off the internet]

Not safe for work.

It's all over the news. My view is, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, and oh somebody needs to shave some hair.

Poll: are you ladies disappointed, or "OMFG-it's-a-LOCH-NESS"?

i have a close mate who's getting married a few days later. he has invited us to his ROM solemnisation and dinner at a hotel afterward. the dinner's a simple affair, unlike the usual dour wedding banquet where 10-12 people sit around in a table and try to make pathetic small talk - "so how's work/health/your parrot/?" - whilst eating the usual fare which looks almost strangely identical to the ones you've eaten a few months back at some other banquets, before fucking off right before dessert is served.

anyway. so, do i:

1. go empty-handed but give him a friendly hug and wish him all the best, while muttering "brother, god bless you" under my breath;

2. or give him a red packet because, you know, nothing's free. and how much?

3. or give him a small gift which is the least attractive option because i hate buying gifts - which would ultimately turn out to be some off-colour sex toy?

mucho gracias.

Labels: random

actually i am a secret agent - okay no, 'i was'. yea, you read that right. of course now that i've told you that, my secret identity is gone, but i've got more important things to worry about right now: like the yogurt in my fridge that's expiring today but that's for another story.

last week, i was at the sTu. sTu is this huge covert organisation that is in charge of very serious matters. its like the FBI, CIA and CTU in America, except they have agents like us. in fact, they have agents everywhere, from all walks of life. and once in awhile, they will recall some agents for re-training so that we stay in tip-top fighting condition, and are able to cope with the very serious stuff we are supposed to be handling.

so what do we do when we head back for training? i can't reveal the specifics, but i can tell you it involves a LOT of waiting. in fact the first day i was there, i spent a good whole day with some other agents waiting for instructions. and then in between training sessions, you wait. sometimes you wait for an hour, most times you wait for an entire afternoon. lest you think that it's basically us "idling", due to a lack of purpose and directions from an organisation that is fucked up, let me assure you that you can't be more wrong. to be fair, i did wonder about the purpose of all this waiting until one day, while i was staring blankly into space, fiddling with my nostrils and some other orifices, overcome by a deathly ennui, a revelation hit me. i realised that actually they are training our patience. so yeah.

we agents lead double lives. away from training, we go on about our lives like any normal other people. however when we don our uniform, our mentality and behaviour change. a good analogy will be Clark Kent and his alter ego, Superman, except that we don't wear our underwear on the outside. we start to do things that we don't normally do. for instance, while waiting (what else?) for training, we sprawl and lie down whenever we can, and we also pee standing beside trees. i'm sure you don't see that sorta behaviour around; it only happens at the sTu.

of course amongst the agents, we have high-ranking ones as well. these are the people who think they are the dog's bollocks because they have gone through longer training - which comprises of very intensive periods of waiting - than the rest of the agents, and they behave like one. if you're not aware, you may mistakenly think that they act like a complete tit. of course, again, you're wrong. in the normal world though, outside the sTu, these people are difficult to distinguish. in fact, he could be the one standing behind you queuing up for Macdonald's, hands on hips looking very impatient (that's because they don't queue much over at sTu).

anyway, before i sign off, i'd like to share this thought which struck me while i was waiting for training one afternoon last week: if you're stuck with some boring, uninspiring crap to do, don't fret. it will pass.

over and out.

Labels: random

For the next 5 days, you may be able to sleep very soundly at night, at the thought of me thrashing about in the backwoods of Jurong with a bunch of other physically fit, committed and enthusiastic fellas who masquerade as frustrated and stressed desk warriors otherwise. And in fatigues and with very long loaded guns, no less. The Nation's Defence is IN OUR HANDS.

Or maybe you won't.

the thought of me putting aside my redundant research for a week to go do something as time-wasting important as this is extremely alluring.

i just hope i don't faint in the strong heat.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Dave Barry, humour columnist

Labels: quote

Men tend to define themselves by their work whereas women define themselves by their relationships. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, she cannot work. If a man is unhappy at work, he cannot focus on his relationship.

- a self-proclaimed "relationship expert" featured weekly on Sunday Times.

Labels: quote

this young lady in a group of six who was seated 3m away from us at ThaiExpress at Paragon last thursday evening. in that hour we were there, all we could hear was her voice, probably trying her best to impress her mates at a catch-up gathering or something. not that it was my business, but i was trying to talk dirty to my missus and that lady was distracting. even in between stuffing her mouth with food, she was like "gaa hmmm heylookatme ivegotsomething brillianttosay gaagaaa listentome ooohilovemyownvoice..... heeeee heee hheee"

i doubt her mates were particularly amused or interested in what she was saying because they weren't exactly responding much. it was like someone singing lousily, and happily, at a ktv singing session, and the rest of her mates were too polite to ask her to shut the fuck up.

after awhile, i was contemplating whether (1) to walk over to her and dunk our bowl of tomyam soup on her head; or (2) jab my ears with the fork so to alleviate the pain from the ruckus.

and then i remembered something my momma told me: the chattering of the monkeys does not disturb the mountain.

~
in other news ...

"Psssst, Liverpool just drew again."

Labels: annoying